Post by Press1269 on Mar 5, 2020 13:34:28 GMT
The regularly scheduled IPW programming is suddenly cut off by the sounds of “T-R-O-U-B-L-E” by Travis Tritt suddenly blaring through the PA system. It’s pretty obvious that the song has been modified to some extent, as the lyrics don’t match the original. Instead, they’ve been replaced by…
Well I play an old manager from nine till half past one
I'm just tryin' to make a livin' watching everybody else havin' fun
Well I don't miss much if it happens on a wrestling arena floor
Mercy, look what just walked through that door
The video wall flashes to life with a picture montage of Bobby Benson and his family, THE Willie Pete and James Radford, when The Manager of Manager’s comes tearing through the curtain, megaphone in hand.
Well hello P-R-O-S-P-E-C-T
Tell me what in the world you doin' A-L-O-N-E
Yeah say You need some B-O-DOUBLE B-Y
Well I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Bobby throws his hands up to try and hype up the crowd, who look like they’ve been dumbstruck by the ridiculous manager. It doesn’t seem to take away from his energy at all as he bebops down to the ring, rounding the corner and taking the steps up into the ring.
Nelson: Well...uh...this is a surprise.
Crumb: Remember last show, Bobby Benson promised that his Family would be expanded, and I guess he’s out there to make good on his promise.
Rose: What the F*** is this music?
Well a sweet talkin', sexy walkin', honky-tonkin' wrassler
The women are gonna love ya and the men gonna hate ya
Remindin' them of everything they're never gonna be
May be the beginning of championship history…
Bobby reaches the center of the ring and places his megaphone down in place of a microphone he produces from his pocket. He gives the fans a warm smile before raising the device to his lips.
Bobby Benson: Never fear, Never fear! I, The Manager of Managers, Bobby Benson, am here to let you know that at least one person in this company is capable of keeping his promises! I told you last week that I would be expanding the Benson Family, and tonight I’ll do just that!
The fans begin to boo, and Bobby looks around bewildered by their reaction.
Bobby Benson: Now wait just a goddamn minute! Before you start acting like Santa Monica freeloaders, let me give an introduction to someone that you all can look up to…
The fans boo louder.
Bobby Benson: A man that is the future of this business. A man that is going to be your next champion. A man that is all man, and more man than you’ll ever be. A man that is going to take all of your women, all of your money, and none of your STD’s! Friends, I introduce to you….
Pause for dramatic effect.
Bobby Benson: KIIIPPP CLASSSICCC!!
Bobby bows to the audience, though they don’t know what for, while sweeping his hand towards the stage where nothing happens. Bobby pauses and clears his throat into the mic.
Bobby Benson: Friends, I introduce to you...KIIIPPP CLASSSICCC!!
Again, Bobby sweeps his hand towards the stage and once again, nothing happens. Bobby remains cool calm and collected with a grin affixed to his face with mental super glue.
Bobby Benson: FRIENDS! I introduce…
Before Bobby can finish, ‘Anarchy Road’ by Carpenter Brut hits the PA system. The lights drop, but it’s pretty obvious that Bobby’s not terribly impressed by how things are going. Spotlights hit the entrance as Kip Classic steps out from the darkness.
Bobby Benson: He’s incredible! An adonis! A perfect vision of humanity! Alexander of Macedon, Reborn!
Kip makes his way down the entrance ramp and it’s pretty apparent that he has the looks of One Direction and the body of a professional bodybuilder. From a standing position, he leaps up to the ring apron with one swift movement. Then he slingshots over the top rope into the ring. He walks up to Bobby as the lights come up and the music dies down.
Kip leans into the mic.
Kip Classic: Sorry for being late. Erica was giving me a handy and had one finger in my bum so it took a minute to get my stuff together again. You seriously talk for like a long time!
Kip smiles into the camera and holds two fingers up, kisses them, and extends a peace sign with the aforementioned kissed fingers.
Kip Classic: Love you Erica!
Bobby looks a little perturbed by the excuse, but shrugs it off in favor of getting on with it.
Bobby Benson: Now that you’re here, Kip, why don’t you lay out for these losers exactly what it is your plans are here in IPW!
Kip nods and it appears as though he’s formulating what will be an amazing monologue. One that will shock and awe the fans to the point of near self destruction or at least relentless masturbation. But what comes out of Kip’s mouth isn’t exactly that awe inspiring nonsense everyone was hoping for.
Kip Classic: Uhhhh. Well, I think it would be, like, cool if I got to, like, win some matches. I got this dude, he’s like my teacher, his name is Brennan Devlin, and he suggested I fuck people to death.
Kip thinks about it for a moment.
Kip Classic: I guess that and doing good deeds like visiting with mentally handicapped people and fat people, you know, for like, Charity. Because I want to be a good role model for the kids.
Bobby looks on horrified as the crowd all shake their head in awe at the disturbing logic of Kip Classic. Realizing he needs to recover the situation, Bobby decides that it might be better if Kip does less talking and just stands there looking impressive. He wheels the mic back over to himself, and points right at the hard camera.
Bobby Benson: You heard it here first folks! Kip Classic is here to fuck this company to death, but still manages to maintain some sense of dignity and pride by helping the less fortunate! If you have a kid with a dent in his head, or some malformity, never fear! Kip Classic is the superstar you’re little mongoloid can look up to! Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure there are a few of those in the crowd here tonight! Kip...Kip…
Bobby steps up to the ropes and points down at a fan in the first row.
Bobby Benson: Just look at this poor, downtrodden, goofy looking, son of a bitch! Kip, you’ve got to do something about this! Go down there and give the guy a hug of something!
The fan, a man of average build and average looks, starts yelling obscenities at Bobby as Kip looks on, uncertain of what to do. Bobby gives Kip a slight shove towards the ropes, all the while shaking his head in mock sympathy.
Bobby Benson: Christ Almighty, Kip! The poor bastard doesn’t just look like a baboon, but it looks like he has tourettes syndrome too!
Kip slips through the ropes to exit the ring, and the fan raises his fist in a threatening fashion as ‘The Classic’ approaches him awkwardly. Just as Kip tries to move in for a hug, the fan uncoils his right arm and his fist banks off of his jaw. A sudden look of rage comes over the new arrival, and he leaps at the man, gripping him around the throat and proceeds to try and choke him out.
Nelson: What the...HE CAN’T DO THAT!
Rose: Finally! I might like this guy after all!
Crumb: Rose! We can’t have our superstars just taking liberties like this with our fans! Bobby Benson is going to have to do something about this!
In the ring, Bobby is turned around to try and quiet the booing crowd, but when they begin to cheer and laugh he turns to see his ward trying to murder the fan. Looking like a wacky inflatable arm man, Bobby abandons the mic for his megaphone and quickly rolls out of the ring, screaming at the top of his lungs.
Bobby Benson: KIP! KIP!! GET CONTROL OF YOURSELF! BAD P.R.! BAD P.R.!
The megaphone is close enough to Kip’s ear that he jerks away from the fan clutching at the side of his head while Bobby hops up and down excitedly. He hurriedly reaches into his pocket and tosses a wad of dollar bills at the half strangled fan, and grabs Kip by the arm and starts dragging him towards the back. The fans continue to chide and goad the young superstar, all the while, Bobby screaming at them that Kip Classic will show them all why he is the best in the world!
Well I play an old manager from nine till half past one
I'm just tryin' to make a livin' watching everybody else havin' fun
Well I don't miss much if it happens on a wrestling arena floor
Mercy, look what just walked through that door
The video wall flashes to life with a picture montage of Bobby Benson and his family, THE Willie Pete and James Radford, when The Manager of Manager’s comes tearing through the curtain, megaphone in hand.
Well hello P-R-O-S-P-E-C-T
Tell me what in the world you doin' A-L-O-N-E
Yeah say You need some B-O-DOUBLE B-Y
Well I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Bobby throws his hands up to try and hype up the crowd, who look like they’ve been dumbstruck by the ridiculous manager. It doesn’t seem to take away from his energy at all as he bebops down to the ring, rounding the corner and taking the steps up into the ring.
Nelson: Well...uh...this is a surprise.
Crumb: Remember last show, Bobby Benson promised that his Family would be expanded, and I guess he’s out there to make good on his promise.
Rose: What the F*** is this music?
Well a sweet talkin', sexy walkin', honky-tonkin' wrassler
The women are gonna love ya and the men gonna hate ya
Remindin' them of everything they're never gonna be
May be the beginning of championship history…
Bobby reaches the center of the ring and places his megaphone down in place of a microphone he produces from his pocket. He gives the fans a warm smile before raising the device to his lips.
Bobby Benson: Never fear, Never fear! I, The Manager of Managers, Bobby Benson, am here to let you know that at least one person in this company is capable of keeping his promises! I told you last week that I would be expanding the Benson Family, and tonight I’ll do just that!
The fans begin to boo, and Bobby looks around bewildered by their reaction.
Bobby Benson: Now wait just a goddamn minute! Before you start acting like Santa Monica freeloaders, let me give an introduction to someone that you all can look up to…
The fans boo louder.
Bobby Benson: A man that is the future of this business. A man that is going to be your next champion. A man that is all man, and more man than you’ll ever be. A man that is going to take all of your women, all of your money, and none of your STD’s! Friends, I introduce to you….
Pause for dramatic effect.
Bobby Benson: KIIIPPP CLASSSICCC!!
Bobby bows to the audience, though they don’t know what for, while sweeping his hand towards the stage where nothing happens. Bobby pauses and clears his throat into the mic.
Bobby Benson: Friends, I introduce to you...KIIIPPP CLASSSICCC!!
Again, Bobby sweeps his hand towards the stage and once again, nothing happens. Bobby remains cool calm and collected with a grin affixed to his face with mental super glue.
Bobby Benson: FRIENDS! I introduce…
Before Bobby can finish, ‘Anarchy Road’ by Carpenter Brut hits the PA system. The lights drop, but it’s pretty obvious that Bobby’s not terribly impressed by how things are going. Spotlights hit the entrance as Kip Classic steps out from the darkness.
Bobby Benson: He’s incredible! An adonis! A perfect vision of humanity! Alexander of Macedon, Reborn!
Kip makes his way down the entrance ramp and it’s pretty apparent that he has the looks of One Direction and the body of a professional bodybuilder. From a standing position, he leaps up to the ring apron with one swift movement. Then he slingshots over the top rope into the ring. He walks up to Bobby as the lights come up and the music dies down.
Kip leans into the mic.
Kip Classic: Sorry for being late. Erica was giving me a handy and had one finger in my bum so it took a minute to get my stuff together again. You seriously talk for like a long time!
Kip smiles into the camera and holds two fingers up, kisses them, and extends a peace sign with the aforementioned kissed fingers.
Kip Classic: Love you Erica!
Bobby looks a little perturbed by the excuse, but shrugs it off in favor of getting on with it.
Bobby Benson: Now that you’re here, Kip, why don’t you lay out for these losers exactly what it is your plans are here in IPW!
Kip nods and it appears as though he’s formulating what will be an amazing monologue. One that will shock and awe the fans to the point of near self destruction or at least relentless masturbation. But what comes out of Kip’s mouth isn’t exactly that awe inspiring nonsense everyone was hoping for.
Kip Classic: Uhhhh. Well, I think it would be, like, cool if I got to, like, win some matches. I got this dude, he’s like my teacher, his name is Brennan Devlin, and he suggested I fuck people to death.
Kip thinks about it for a moment.
Kip Classic: I guess that and doing good deeds like visiting with mentally handicapped people and fat people, you know, for like, Charity. Because I want to be a good role model for the kids.
Bobby looks on horrified as the crowd all shake their head in awe at the disturbing logic of Kip Classic. Realizing he needs to recover the situation, Bobby decides that it might be better if Kip does less talking and just stands there looking impressive. He wheels the mic back over to himself, and points right at the hard camera.
Bobby Benson: You heard it here first folks! Kip Classic is here to fuck this company to death, but still manages to maintain some sense of dignity and pride by helping the less fortunate! If you have a kid with a dent in his head, or some malformity, never fear! Kip Classic is the superstar you’re little mongoloid can look up to! Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure there are a few of those in the crowd here tonight! Kip...Kip…
Bobby steps up to the ropes and points down at a fan in the first row.
Bobby Benson: Just look at this poor, downtrodden, goofy looking, son of a bitch! Kip, you’ve got to do something about this! Go down there and give the guy a hug of something!
The fan, a man of average build and average looks, starts yelling obscenities at Bobby as Kip looks on, uncertain of what to do. Bobby gives Kip a slight shove towards the ropes, all the while shaking his head in mock sympathy.
Bobby Benson: Christ Almighty, Kip! The poor bastard doesn’t just look like a baboon, but it looks like he has tourettes syndrome too!
Kip slips through the ropes to exit the ring, and the fan raises his fist in a threatening fashion as ‘The Classic’ approaches him awkwardly. Just as Kip tries to move in for a hug, the fan uncoils his right arm and his fist banks off of his jaw. A sudden look of rage comes over the new arrival, and he leaps at the man, gripping him around the throat and proceeds to try and choke him out.
Nelson: What the...HE CAN’T DO THAT!
Rose: Finally! I might like this guy after all!
Crumb: Rose! We can’t have our superstars just taking liberties like this with our fans! Bobby Benson is going to have to do something about this!
In the ring, Bobby is turned around to try and quiet the booing crowd, but when they begin to cheer and laugh he turns to see his ward trying to murder the fan. Looking like a wacky inflatable arm man, Bobby abandons the mic for his megaphone and quickly rolls out of the ring, screaming at the top of his lungs.
Bobby Benson: KIP! KIP!! GET CONTROL OF YOURSELF! BAD P.R.! BAD P.R.!
The megaphone is close enough to Kip’s ear that he jerks away from the fan clutching at the side of his head while Bobby hops up and down excitedly. He hurriedly reaches into his pocket and tosses a wad of dollar bills at the half strangled fan, and grabs Kip by the arm and starts dragging him towards the back. The fans continue to chide and goad the young superstar, all the while, Bobby screaming at them that Kip Classic will show them all why he is the best in the world!